Known by Definition

My teenage daughter told a joke about a Panda that walked into a bar.  He ordered a large meal, ate heartily then got up and shot the patrons of the bar before he turned to leave the establishment.  The bartender ran after him and asked him why he did what he did.  The Panda turned to him and said “Do you know what I am?”  To which the bartender replied that he was a Panda.  Then the Panda said “Then you should understand, look up my definition.”  The bartender ran quickly and got a dictionary to see what the Panda was referring to.  Under the Panda’s definition it said among other things that he often “eats shoots and leaves”.

The Panda’s answer “do you know who I am” is one that points us to the issue that if we don’t understand who/what we are dealing with we are not going to be prepared to understand it’s behavior.  Jesus asked his disciples “Who do men say that I am?” then later “Who do you say that I am?”(Matt 16:13-17).  He knew that if they had the right understanding of who He was they would have the right perspective on his actions.

In counseling this also is the case.  People crave a definition. They want someone to help them define themselves, sometimes it is through a diagnosis, sometimes it’s through an examination of their history and how it is affecting their current behavior.  They want to understand who they are, so that their behavior will make sense for them and others.  The danger in this approach can be that different people will define us differently, and not all definitions are helpful because they are open to interpretation. 

In seeking to define yourself, start with your Maker.  We often ask an artist or author what they were meaning to say with their work.  We understand the clearest interpretation should come from the creator of it.  God has defined all his works, his creation, in his word The Bible.  Now all creators of art know that once a work is published and displayed it becomes open to the opinions of others, but it need not be defined by all the others if it holds true to the definition of its Creator.  Look up your definition in God’s word The Bible (Psalm 139:13-14).

Sanctity of Life

Many women, men and in fact families will face an unplanned pregnancy this year.  For a few this will be met with surprise, then joy as they anticipate what this new life will mean in their life.  However for too many this news will usher in a crisis.  This crisis will encompass thoughts about where their support will come from, how they will be able to provide for the needs of the neediest of individuals, an infant.  They will feel like they have no “choice” except the “choice” of an abortion.

Sanctity of Human Life Sunday is held on the Sunday in January that falls closest to the day on which the Roe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton decisions were handed down by the U.S. Supreme Court on January 22, 1973.  In response to the growing need of women to have true “choice”, Crisis Pregnancy Centers have emerged to support women when they feel like they are in a crisis due to an unplanned pregnancy.  They however are not just concerned for the vulnerable fetus, but for the woman in whose womb this fetus resides.  Even when the choice is made to have an abortion, that woman is still a concern for Crisis Pregnancy Centers. 

Post Abortion support groups are there for woman who has made the choice to abort, but still feels the ripples of the “crisis”.  For that woman the abortion didn’t bring her to a place of great relief.  It may have even stirred up another crisis, one of faith.  Post Abortion support groups are there to help this woman to obtain reconciliation with herself, her body, her maker.  These groups emphasize that she is more than just a container for a fetus, but is in fact a valuable individual herself.  As we recognize Sanctity of Human Life Sunday let’s not forget to offer support for those women who have chosen to abort in the distant or recent past, God’s love is also extended to them and he wants them to have a full and rich life in Him.

For more information on some of the challenges post abortive women face you can visit http://www.ramahinternational.org/post-abortion-syndrome.html/ .  Of course this is not true of all women who have experienced an abortion, but for those who are still struggling, there is hope and help.  Contact your local Crisis Pregnancy Center and ask if they are currently running a support group, or ask them to let you know if one is available locally, or if they themselves can start one.  The post abortive woman should be encouraged to seek and pursue their wellness, they are worth it!!

Investment vs Commitment

Many couples will say they are committed to their spouse when in fact they are really invested in their spouse and the relationship.  Being invested may not on the surface appear to be a bad thing.   In fact many of these types of relationships report that they are happy and healthy, with both parties reporting a high degree of satisfaction.  The problem arises when one or both of these individuals start reporting a lower degree of satisfaction, that’s when the “investment” may not give the return that the couple expected.  With committed couples however, the degree of marital satisfaction does not weigh as heavily as an indicator of whether the marriage will survive.

You see the difference between investment and commitment is “eggs and bacon”.  The hen that lays the eggs has just invested, the pig that provides the bacon has committed.  The couple that invests in their relationship and each other has also done something worthy, but like the hen can produce more eggs once one is broken, this couple views relationships as reproducible also.  However the couple that views their marriage as a commitment has a better chance of still having a relationship even when it’s put through the fire.  All marriages go through tests; the ones that survive best are the ones where the couples have committed to each other and their marriage.

Commitment hurts; it is a one shot deal.  Unlike an investment, there is no looking back, hedging your bets and anticipation of a big “return” on your investment.  For committed couples the only return is the serving of the needs of the other.  You see the pig cannot give its life twice, whereas the hen can always lay another egg.  If the couple views their relationship as a one shot deal; then having a rough time, and going through some heat will not diminish their marriage.

If you want to deepen your relationship then look to the pig for inspiration.  Think “I’m all in and there is no looking back.”  The pig sacrifices and satisfies.  It gives with no hope of a return.  Now this is not as pretty a sentiment as the analogy of the egg.  With the hen, it can produce many eggs and the loss of one is not a big sacrifice, they can always produce another. Take a look at your relationship, if you are investing in it your doing well, if you are committing to it then you are doing great!

Timely Marriage Counseling

An observation shared by my myself and several counselors is that many calls for marriage counseling come 2 years or more too late.  Why 2 years?  One theory is that it takes just that long for one of the marriage partners to agree that there are problems in the relationship which will not resolve themself naturally with time.  Comments like “I didn’t know it was that bad, or that she/ he was that unhappy!” “Things have been bad for awhile, PMS doesn’t last this long does it?”  “I was just waiting for my partner to get over the (fill in the blank, grief of a loss, adjustment to new financial reality, trauma of infidelity, or just any trauma) are common.  The desire to avoid and deny the depth to which a partner is suffering is commonplace.  Mostly because of a sense of helplessness on the part of the one who is suffering the least.  But make no mistake the suffering is shared.

Loving couples rarely have the skills to go through the “worse” spoken about in their vows together.  Therefore when the “better” turns into the “worse” it is natural to hope that it is temporary, and many times it is.  Many loving couples will recall trials their partnership has survived, and wonder what made this trial different.  They don’t take into consideration that marriage like many things in life, if not nourished, will not be able to survive crisis.  It’s the healthy plants that have the best chance of surviving the drought.

You can’t go back and undo the leaching of strength that for the last 2+ years has occurred in your relationship.  But you can recognize what it now lacks and work with someone you trust to build it back up into something that nourishes both of you. 

The Quality of Our Time

On a recent vacation I was surprised to see how many couples and families were together on the cruise, but not really.

There was a young mother and her daughter in line behind me. The mother explained to me that she and her 13 year old don’t get to spend much time together so she was looking forward to the cruise as an opportunity to rebuild the bonds with this teen. The goal was admirable, but in the midst of our conversation she, several times actually, checked and in fact responded to text messages that were being sent to her phone. Her daughter waited patiently by her side with a bored look on her face, while her mother interacted with me somewhat, and with her phone a lot. Later on I had the opportunity to observe them on the cruise. The daughter had the same look on her face while the mother, though phone less (no doubt due to being in international waters) looked loss as to what she should do with her sullen teen.

A middle aged couple that was on line also appeared to be having problems leaving their busy work lives behind. As we waited for close to an hour to board the ship I and several others on the line were forced to listen to the woman argue rather loudly with what we could only assume was a work colleague, while her spouse stood by her side waiting for her attention. A brief pause in the hostile discussion on the phone brought her attention to her partner. At which point she regaled him with her frustration at dealing with this underling and other assorted opinions regarding the conflict she was attempting to solve, on the phone, on vacation. His expression, like the teens, was also telling. My friend, who was vacationing with me, and was aware of the line soap opera, described his expression as “disgusted”.

When planning for this cruise, I envisioned a lot of down time and suggested to my husband that I would take a book and perhaps my laptop to do some writing while onboard. He promptly nixed the idea of the laptop, but conceded that the book idea was good. He wanted me to concentrate on spending the time with my friends, who were the reason for the trip. Such good advice!

It occurs to me that our times of connection with God are no different than the interaction I observed in the two families above. Even when we set aside time to attend to spiritual matters (i.e. attend church, do a quiet time, pray, meditate) we fall into the trap of bringing the business of our daily lives along with us and miss the joy and purpose of spending quality time with God.

We need to be cautious and not bring things that keep us connected to our temporal space, into our sacred space. Television, radio, computers, telephones, all keep us grounded to the here and now, and prevent us from achieving that feeling of transcendence that is available to us in God’s presence. Who hasn’t written out their grocery list while the sermon droned on at church, or abruptly ended a prayer or bible reading because the phone rang and it could be important. We forget that we are engaged in something important, the building and strengthening of our relationship with God.

That mother took time away from work, other family and friends to spend time with her daughter. Yet she spent a lot of time with others on the phone. I assume that the couple also took time away to be with each other, yet she stayed focused on work issues. If we make the time to tend to our spiritual needs, as we should, then we need to be vigilant to make that time quality time.

Eye of the beholder

Following the reading of a recent New York Times article "Ethnic Differences Emerge in Plastic Surgery" one would have to conclude that over time the world may be populated with more beauty challenged individuals. This is not an observation about the environment or politics. It’s about vanity. With the rise of plastic surgery, botox, beauty treatments, spas, hair extensions and cosmetic tattoos it is almost impossible to know what people really look like.

Today if you are born with bad teeth, you don’t have to live a life subjected to hiding your smile. You get those teeth capped and your smile will now attract people to you instead of keeping them away. If you are genetically doomed to lose your hair, well no problem, all you need are hair transplants. If you are a woman with thin hair, then you get weaves and extensions. If the hair is not where you want it, there is laser hair removal for that and waxing. What about if you have bad skin, there is dermal micro abrasion to correct that. Now put it all together in one person. Well it puts a new spin on the “we can rebuild him” comment made about the 6 million dollar man.

All these procedures while harmless for the most part, are creating a world where instead of the most beautiful, the strongest, and healthiest surviving, the most artificially enhanced are multiplying and creating a Darwinian nightmare. Think about it like this. The primary source of attraction for most couples was the looks of their mates. After the looks drew them, then they searched for some other secondary things like values or character to determine whether they wanted to become involved with the person on a deeper level. However today many don’t even dig to the next level, they determine that the attractive person is the one they would like to have babies with, and without any moral or societal restrictions in place, go for it. What the person doesn’t realize is that DNA doesn’t lie. The resulting child is a representative of the truth of the parents looks, not a representative of the lie that brought them together.

Now beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I have nothing against anyone’s looks. Variety in looks makes for a more interesting world. Variety is what made Baskin and Robins famous, remember 31 flavors? I don’t see why looks has to be a vanilla, chocolate, and perhaps strawberry if you are feeling wild and crazy, kind of a choice. It’s good to have access to variety. However that is not what we are having today. There are some set features that appear to be the features that everybody wants. And now people have the means of getting those features through non traditional means. If this keeps up then those who have not taken advantage of modern means of enhancing, most possibly because they look fine just the way they are, may be eligible for extinction. Then all that will be left are those for whom artificial enhancements are their only hope of attracting a mate. Their children, as I said before will reflect the truth of their DNA, and the cycle will continue with the globe being populated by more and more beauty challenged individuals. Darwin must be turning in his grave!!!

Repurpose or Replace

How many broken things do you have in your home, in your life? As I opened my cupboard I noticed that I had three teacups stored there without handles. The handles had broken off, but the cups were still good, so they were not thrown out. Was there a plan to glue back on the handles? No, I don’t think so. Was there a plan to use the teacups in a different manner? Yes, but I’m not sure how they were going to be used. You see the teacups were part of a dinner set. The rest of the set was still useable, and the teacups were of the same pattern, so it made it hard to get rid of them, because then the set would be incomplete. This sense of destroying the completeness of the set, even as I acknowledge that these items no longer benefitted the set, was somewhat disturbing.

In life it can be like this. We will sometimes recognize that there are things in our lives that are broken. It could be old relationships, behaviors or attitudes. At one time these relationships, behaviors and attitudes fit into an established pattern. This pattern could be seen in the way we conducted our life. But then perhaps we began to change, hopefully for the better. As we live we continue to develop and grow, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. With this growth sometimes things need to be broken. Old relationships can become inconvenient or no longer useful, like a teacup without a handle. Yet the memory of their past purposefulness or the fact that they fit in a pattern that has not been totally thrown out makes us hesitant to get rid of them. So we wait until the set of dishes is reduced to only one or two pieces before we can get rid of all the broken items of that pattern. We don’t like to fully discard old things until we are sure the new is accessible.

A better way to look at life is to see that all the brokenness is just God’s way of moving you more quickly to the new. When we stubbornly refuse to get rid of what is broken, life, like our cupboards become cluttered with the useless. Let’s take the time to take stock of the things that have cluttered up our lives, assess them, if they cannot be repurposed, then replace them with items, people, behaviors or attitudes that are useful to the new life you are pursuing.